Well good luck cause your gunna need it hahahaha (or should i say ho ho ho). Just kidding! Now that i got that out of the way heres some tips on how to avoid getting a gucci to the face and a fat guy that took the day off of work (like he was doing anything anyway) falling on you. The first step is taking the day off or even 2 in case you do get trampled then you won't want to go into to work the next day with Nike across your cheek, once you have accomplished that you are not even close to being ready. Planning wise the first step is making sure you are farmiliar with your mall before you acctually shop so you know where the stuff on your list is. The next step is getting 3 or 4 friends to help you fend off the crazies (They will be your Ving Rhames when you're fighting the zombies except hopefully without a shotgun) or to act as extra arms. Then after that is the waking up early part which for me personally is the hardest part, but for some it's easy a recomended time would be 2 or 3am (i know it sounds crazy but it will work (oh and you should get to sleep at 4 the preivious day or you will die of fatigue like your gnome warrior in world of warcraft when he tries to swim from one continent to the other)). Now after this you'll probiblly want an energy drink (which is awsome) or coffee (which is evil) to give you a buzz to prevent you from passing out at the wheel which in most cases is bad. Next is your outfit, make sure you have tight clothes (not skin suit tight but you get the idea) because if you wear baggy clothes and someone next to you trips they will grab your parachute pants and never let go which will bring you down and probibly end up in trampling. Next is a pair of boots with good traction because the floors will be wet and the ground will be icy so no converse no matter how cool they are (also boots will be good for trampling (just kidding (not really))). Also i recomend gloves (but they aren't required) especially if you do your shopping the last 2 days before Christmas (which i don't recomend) because by this time it will bring out the biters in people (which i don't recomend doing because mall jail is more hummliating than real jail). Now get in the car and get your ass to the mall because at 4 and 5 is when the normal people start showing up and if don't get in line you might as well go home unless your list was a open box of pantyhose with only 2 left in it and one is ripped, and a Snowman that dances and sings, but they put the wrong voice box in so instead of "Jingle Bells" you hear a dog barking and saying "feed me", which i highly doubt is your list. Now that you are waiting make sure you are warm because that store is not gunna open any early if anything it would open later causing more frostbite for you (which sucks ass). So if you are wearing your boots and the store doors open... RUN TO YOUR FIRST ITEM ON YOUR LIST!!! but no pushing cause then you're gunna get pushed back and it will turn into a battle royal faster than it usually does (also i don't condone violence just trampling). Also screw carts even though they have wheels they slow your turning down and will make it harder to fit in aisles so carry your stuff (bring a bag if it's small stuff, but make sure it is see through or it will be thought of as stealing). Hopefully you aren't lolly gagging so you should still have open cash registers. Pick the one that is closest to the door even if there is an open one because by the time that lady rings up your first item it will be total mayhem and you won't be able to tell who's hand is who's, so you want to be close to the doors for a quick get away. Well i hope this helped and if all else fails use amazon like the smart people... Oh and Merry Christmas!!!!! P.S. If you trample someone by "accident" keep walking i know it sounds cruel, but 90% of the time when you help them up they are gunna hit you in the face so hard you'll wish you had Nike across your face.
1 comment:
Very insightful, o wise one.
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